I wake up wanting to be God. or at least king over my little world.
I wake up wanting my schedule to go according to my plan. I wake up wanting my children to behave perfectly and fall in line with that plan. I wake up wanting no interruptions, no change of events, no extra people to feed or neighborhood kids filling my home and my ears with, “Miss Kimberly!!” (in addition to the already five children, screaming “Moooommmy!”. I wake up wanting to execute everything I had on the agenda in perfect timing, with no pesky pregnancy fatigue slowing me down. I wake up declaring, “I want to rule!” “I want jurisdiction over my kingdom!”
And just wait for the wrath of this “rulership” if you make unexpected messes, or dare to eat peanut butter in the living room, against the “law of the land” (for of course, with the eating of the peanut butter comes a massive carpet clean up), or if you didn’t do your chores on time, thus slowing me down, or if your temper tantrum comes at the exact time that we were suppose to be loading in the car to head to school,….
This “lord” can throw some pretty intense temper tantrums herself. So,
“Fall in line! Bow to my rule!”
There were some other people, too, that I read about recently, who also wanted to declare who would be king. They didn’t want to have to wait and sit before the True Lord to get directives from Him. They wanted to pick and choose and set up their own jurisdiction, just as I want to set up my own jurisdiction over my home and life and schedule.
“Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel and Ramah and said to him, “Behold, you are old….Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.” I Samuel 8:4
And when Samuel inquired of the Lord about it, God’s response to their demand cuts to the heart of the matter…and the heart of this mamma who wants to be king over her world.
“…for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them. ” I Samuel 8:7
they have rejected me from being king over them.
And with every irritated response I give to each interruption, I am declaring who is really king around here. And every loud outburst at kids not doing what they are suppose to is showing who is really running this show. And every lack of interest in my husband’s “world”, because I’m too consumed with trying to rule my own, I reveal that
I have rejected Lord Jehovah from being King over me.
I have nicely moved into the role.
But when humans try to play God, it comes with a price.
God warned the people, that if they chose a human king there would be consequences. Their sons and daughters would be forced into slave labor to serve that king. The best of their resources would be swallowed up by that king. And worst of all,
“When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.” I Samuel 8:18
For when we trust in false kings, we forfeit deliverance from the True One.
How much have I, for the sake of my own desire to rule, yielded up my children, yielded up the best of my moments with them, simply because I had wanted a physical king (me!!) ruling over this home, schedule, and life. I can’t be king, I cannot control, I cannot grasp so tightly every action, mess, and behavior….but nonetheless, I continue trying, and failing, which leads to lashing out in anger from this out-of-control attempt at usurping the Throne.
I lose my children in the process. I lose the best of these little years. For it brings utter ruination…crushing of little spirits, forfeiting of sweet moments, a loss of witness amongst my own kids, a spirit of anger and frustration in our home.
But praise God, there is a Savior, who holds this power-hungry mother in His grip of grace. There is a Savior who cried out for relief, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!?!” in my place, dealing with the consequences of my rejection of the true King.
And now, since He was the one not answered (on the cross)
I am the one who receives a “Yes!” and deliverance from my own oppressive ruie.
If I will just fall before that cross,
and repent of trying to be king,
and yield myself to the True King.
(and the best place to start yielding, is by sitting at His feet right from the start…)