I am stunned.
I am shell shocked.
How did this happen?
Every good thing I thought I was going to give my life towards.
Every person in that city that my heart breaks for.
The very purpose for which we uprooted, moved 8 states away, and endured hours of study and preparation.
or seemingly so.
Anyone who knows us, knows our heart beats for the poor, the broken, the marginalized. Especially for those in the city of Newark, NJ, which contains such a high concentration, a vast majority of such people. with so few resources. so few fathers. so few stable families. SO FEW GOSPEL PREACHING, GOSPEL-PROPELLED CHURCHES.
I have merely tolerated the suburbs. these past two and a half years.
while my heart has broken over the dwindling, struggling, and eventually dying ministry we left behind.
So eager to return. To jump back into the lives of those people we left behind.
AND NOW WE ARE NOT.
never, ever, EVER plan your life.
The Lord will change it all up.
I wrestle hard with the why?…
Why wouldn’t You let us go forth to obey the commands to spend ourselves on the hungry?
Why wouldn’t You let us go to a people I am passionate about serving and loving?
Why wouldn’t You let us go to a place with such need and so few laborers?
Why do those street kids that I’ve come to love so much not get the chance to hear and see the love of Christ (at least not yet)?
I Do Not Know
But I do know the promises if Isaiah 45:9-12
9 “Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker,
those who are nothing but potsherds
among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
‘What are you making?’
Does your work say,
‘The potter has no hands’?
10 Woe to the one who says to a father,
‘What have you begotten?’
or to a mother,
‘What have you brought to birth?’
11 “This is what the Lord says—
the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker:
Concerning things to come,
do you question me about my children,
or give me orders about the work of my hands?
12 It is I who made the earth
and created mankind on it.
My own hands stretched out the heavens;
I marshaled their starry hosts.
13 I will raise up Cyrus in my righteousness:
I will make all his ways straight.
He will rebuild my city
and set my exiles free,
but not for a price or reward,
says the Lord Almighty.”
So, as I wrestle, and mourn, and grieve…
I cling with all my heart to the fact that
HE IS LORD,
And He has said, “come follow ME”.
not the ministry,
not the people,
not the need.
(more to come in these posts. at this point, I am only emotionally capable of processing one piece of this at a time. Jesus, be my Good Shepherd that walks with me through this valley of the shadow of death… of my dreams and expectations)