Moments with Malachi

Real life hasn’t hit yet. Daddy (and my mother-in-law) are carrying the brunt of day to day life in our household. People around us have lavished love upon us and provided meals, watched kids, and paved the way so that mommy can rest and recover, and most importantly, spend

moments with Malachi

I’ve gotten to cradle this tiny being, listened to his soft hum as he contently nurses, feel is short little breaths against my chest as he slumbers there, and I pray and I praise as I stand in wonder at the gift of LIFE. I daydream of who and what he will be as his little personality blossoms, just as I have watched the four personalities before him blossom.

Last summer we wrestled with doing the “wise” thing verses trusting God with an act that only He can do, the act of creating a new little soul. And it makes me weep to think of having prevented little Zao Malachi from entering my womb, entering our marriage, entering my world, entering the lives of his four siblings. I stand in fear and trembling before the Creator who knit and formed this little one perfectly, all without my help, except the help of being available, surrendering my body, my womb (or should I say His womb) to do whatever bidding He sees fit.

Malachi is what He saw. When I was scared. When I was listing all the reasons why having another child is not practical. When I was complaining that it would be too hard.

I am still scared, for real life hasn’t hit yet. I am actually terrified at times. I am Peter, who has seen my Lord across the way, and called to say “Is it you??”. I have gotten out of the safe boat, and started to walk, miraculously, on the substance of things unseen. But I see the wind, waves and the furry of the storm of caring for, discipling, disciplining, and raising all the little ones with all these needs. And then I start to sink. sink. sink.

“How am I going to do this?!?” “Are we crazy?!?” “This is going to be too hard!!”

I am asking the wrong questions.

“How are YOU going to do this, Lord?” “How am I to surrender, moment by moment, when Malachi needs to nurse, Benjamin is screaming, and the kids have enough energy to bring the house down?” “How are you going to show up to provide for what You have provided (all these kids)?” “How are you going to show your faithfulness in my weakness?” “How are you going to prove that your promises are true?” “What ways are you going to show your mighty power?”

And then Jesus grabs hold of me, and lifts me from sinking into waves overwhelming. The waves of fear and doubt and nearsightedness are replaced with His strong grip. His righteous right hand, upholding his weak vessel. This is all I can ever hope in. His righteous right hand upholding utter neediness.

This week as I spent moments with Malachi, nursing him with pure milk to feed his tiny, growing body, God was feeding me the milk of His Word, to feed my tiny, growing faith.

“…Jacob shall no more be ashamed,

no more shall his face grow pale.

For when he sees his children,

the work of my hands, in his midst,

they will sanctify my name;

they will sanctify the Holy One of Jacob

and will stand in awe of the God of Israel.”

Isaiah 29:22b-23

This ambition of raising all these kids could put me to shame and cause me to grow pale at the enormity of the task , but I have promises otherwise. These children’s bodies are the work of the hands of God, as he formed them in my womb. I can do nothing but trust that their minds, souls, and spirit’s shapings will be the work of His hands as well. And the cry of my heart is that they, and I, and all those around us would sanctify, glorify, and stand in awe of the name of Jesus because of their presence here in this world.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. djones6750
    Apr 26, 2012 @ 19:37:51

    Fantastic! Another blessing from the Lord!


  2. Eileen
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 03:40:28

    And our fifthborn, Mary, came to us in Japan, when we were under so much stress, and after losing a preborn one. Had that child lived, Mary would never have been. And now Mary is loving Jesus and serving Him on a college campus full of lost, lonely sinners and she loves them in His name!
    Isaiah 8:18 says, “Here am I, and the children the Lord has given me. We are signs…to the Lord Almighty, who dwells in Zion.”


  3. Mary Anne Billingsley
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 21:28:53

    You and your family are an inspiration — thanks for continuing to share!


  4. Trackback: My Little One Year Old!! | the least of these...

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